Posts

Ooh A Podcast Appearance!

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I've been listening to and enjoying Phil and Ben's Don't Lets Chart for ages so when I was asked to be involved I jumped at the chance. If you haven't heard it it's essentially two men in their late 30s trying to make sense of the world using charts as a framework. It is silly, funny and contains more ALF than you'll have heard in a long time. If you want to hear my actual voice you can listen to it via this link.

No More Brexit

I'm all Brexitted out. It was a bad idea to start with and now I'm just sick of it. I think this is the general consensus among the population.  As a result I've come up with the following proposal.

Proposal: creation of Brexit In The Bin Party.

Main policy points: noone is allowed to mention Brexit again ever. As a result the party upon election will be renamed In The Bin Party. Other words that are banned are Remainers, Leavers, Remoaners, Brexshitters and any other derivation of.

All policies on international economics to be decided by actual experts in the field. Referendums are to be used solely for naming boats (Boaty McBoatface was a fine name for a boat), tv talent shows and Facebook "is this called a bread roll or a teacake?" memes.

If experts decide financially we should stay in the EU we will take it seriously and vote for people in to change it how we want. No we don't want an EU army, we like our pound coins and we want to control our own domesti…

A Change Of The Seasons

The leaves swayed gently to the ground Autumn was calling again  Calling to the trees Declaring loudly   That it was time Time to lose that magnificent coat of green Time to change to oranges and reds And finally Time to remove remove it completely  To let the bare branches  Feel the cool crisp air of Winter

Motivational Quote

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Horoscopes For The Week Ahead

Hi Readers
Something you might not know about me is I'm a 100% genuine trained psychic. I trained at the Keighley Mysterious School Of Magic And Psychicness which is definitely a real place and not somewhere I've just made up.  With that in mind here are the horoscopes for the week ahead.
Love and psychic kisses, your friend Mystic Louise x
Aries: March 21 – April 19The squirrel you believe has been eyeing you up will finally make its move today. Watch your nuts.Taurus: April 20 – May 20Be wary round cacti this week. They are spiky little bastards and they're out to get you.Gemini: May 21 – June 20All your dreams will come true this week. So you'd best hope you don't have the one about being naked in the exam room again.Cancer: June 21 – July 22A good looking stranger will cross your path this week. They'll also make you cross. And be wearing a cross. And be eating cress.Leo: July 23 – August 22The song "Remember You're A Womble" will have a special m…

A Trip To The New (sort of) Dentist

I've been going to the same dentist since I was a child. Recently I learned that the practice has been bought out. My dentist is still the same one but the name has changed and the building has been renovated. Here's my diary of today's visit (because writing distracts me from dental anxiety)!
10.25am - I arrive outside the dentist after one embarrassingly unsuccessful attempt to reverse park. I check the clock. I am 25 minutes early as per usual. I get out my phone and mess about with some apps then decide to write a poem.
I'm early for the dentist I'm sat here in my car Panicking about the plaque And all of the tartar That may very well be building Up around my gums I really hate the dentist Why do I have to come? I hope my teeth are ok And I don't need a filling Or something worse which may involve Far more extravagant billing I'm going to go in now And wait inside the place I'll meet you at the other side Hopefully with the same teeth in my face
10.40am - I'v…

Will Drink Tea For Cash

My youngest is now nearing the end of her first school year. By now I had expected to have both thoroughly cleaned and sorted my house and got a job. I have achieved neither.

Not from lack of trying (at least with the tidying of the house) it's just every time I try the kids come home and destroy my hard work. Although to be fair I need to be more ruthless and actually chuck out some of the vast quantities of toys the children have amassed. However I'm forever being reminded that plastic kills dolphins so by that logic by not tidying my house I'm actually saving marine life. Go me!

Getting a job has also proved challenging. An eight year career break poses problems. Firstly I have a pathological hatred of filling in forms, cv days were much easier, the forms are never straightforward copy and paste affairs and they end up taking longer than any interview is likely to last. Secondly, and most importantly, I am crap at interviews, I clam up and talk absolute gibberish. I woul…