Horoscopes For The Week Ahead

Hi Readers

Something you might not know about me is I'm a 100% genuine trained psychic. I trained at the Keighley Mysterious School Of Magic And Psychicness which is definitely a real place and not somewhere I've just made up.  With that in mind here are the horoscopes for the week ahead.

Love and psychic kisses, your friend
Mystic Louise x

  • Aries: March 21 – April 19
  • The squirrel you believe has been eyeing you up will finally make its move today. Watch your nuts.
  • Taurus: April 20 – May 20
  • Be wary round cacti this week. They are spiky little bastards and they're out to get you.
  • Gemini: May 21 – June 20
  • All your dreams will come true this week. So you'd best hope you don't have the one about being naked in the exam room again.
  • Cancer: June 21 – July 22
  • A good looking stranger will cross your path this week. They'll also make you cross. And be wearing a cross. And be eating cress.
  • Leo: July 23 – August 22
  • The song "Remember You're A Womble" will have a special meaning this week.
  • Virgo: August 23 – September 22
  • This week is a bad week to go into space. Abort launch. I repeat. Abort launch.
  • Libra: September 23 – October 22
  • You will develop a new catchphrase this week. It will involve monkeys.
  • Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
  • The key to this week is remembering there is nothing like a dame. Nothing in the world. 
  • Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
  • Your dog will surprise you by saying the word sausages.  If you don't have a dog this week is a good week to get one.
  • Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
  • This week you'll feel just like a leaf floating slowly down from a tree and gently landing on the ground below. Unlike the leaf  you won't turn to mulch. Well done you.

  • Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
  • Money woes will be overcome this week when your bank heist finally comes to fruition. Keep an eye on fat Tony. He's planning to double cross you.
  • Pisces: February 19 – March 20
  • This week is a good week to finally stroke that donkey. Don't be afraid. It likes it.

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