How To Be The Greatest Parent
A parenting forum's a dangerous place
Opinions and bitching galore
But I've done some research and discovered for you
Something that's never been found out before
Just how to be the perfect parent
A secret that I will now tell
Follow key points and see
Just how great you will be
Ignore and you'll end up in hell
Breastfeed of course, condescend those who can't
Wean immediately at 6 months old
Do it only indoors so not to offend
Breastfeeding's disgusting you know
Use only reuseable cotton nappies
If you don't then a dolphin will die
Put baby in their own room, no co-sleep
Pick them up, wait! No, leave them to cry
When weaning feed them only on no-gm organic fresh soylent chow
Hang on why aren't you still breastfeeding? Why give a baby milk from a cow?
5 a day? Make it seven. But none of them fruit. Already have? Do you know what you've done?
Fruit's filled with sugar a no-no they'll get fat and their teeth will fall out one by one
Stay at home with your baby til they're 23 any younger and you're a bad mum
Take your baby along, to massage classes and songs
If you don't want them to turn out dumb
Go back to work so your kids will find the work ethic that they so need
Be the positive role model they have to see if your children are going to succeed
What do you mean you've never seen you should wear your baby close in a sling?
But on the other hand they may not stand as to their hips they could be damaging.
Limit tv time to 7 minutes a week of pre watched pre approved telly shows
No ipads, pcs, mobiles or laptop screens your child will go blind you know
Most important of all and this is the rule written in stone from up high
Judge frequently every parent you see. Go on, try and make someone cry
On parenting sites tell them how they're not right and their parenting makes little sense
Go out of your way to try every day to undermine a stranger's confidence
Because you're only the best if you can beat the rest and sanctimony goes a long way
Make others feel small pretend you know it all because it's much too scary to say
I don't know what to do, I try the best I can do and it seems to be almost enough
There is no right way to get through everyday, this parenting lark is so tough!
Opinions and bitching galore
But I've done some research and discovered for you
Something that's never been found out before
Just how to be the perfect parent
A secret that I will now tell
Follow key points and see
Just how great you will be
Ignore and you'll end up in hell
Breastfeed of course, condescend those who can't
Wean immediately at 6 months old
Do it only indoors so not to offend
Breastfeeding's disgusting you know
Use only reuseable cotton nappies
If you don't then a dolphin will die
Put baby in their own room, no co-sleep
Pick them up, wait! No, leave them to cry
When weaning feed them only on no-gm organic fresh soylent chow
Hang on why aren't you still breastfeeding? Why give a baby milk from a cow?
5 a day? Make it seven. But none of them fruit. Already have? Do you know what you've done?
Fruit's filled with sugar a no-no they'll get fat and their teeth will fall out one by one
Stay at home with your baby til they're 23 any younger and you're a bad mum
Take your baby along, to massage classes and songs
If you don't want them to turn out dumb
Go back to work so your kids will find the work ethic that they so need
Be the positive role model they have to see if your children are going to succeed
What do you mean you've never seen you should wear your baby close in a sling?
But on the other hand they may not stand as to their hips they could be damaging.
Limit tv time to 7 minutes a week of pre watched pre approved telly shows
No ipads, pcs, mobiles or laptop screens your child will go blind you know
Most important of all and this is the rule written in stone from up high
Judge frequently every parent you see. Go on, try and make someone cry
On parenting sites tell them how they're not right and their parenting makes little sense
Go out of your way to try every day to undermine a stranger's confidence
Because you're only the best if you can beat the rest and sanctimony goes a long way
Make others feel small pretend you know it all because it's much too scary to say
I don't know what to do, I try the best I can do and it seems to be almost enough
There is no right way to get through everyday, this parenting lark is so tough!
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