Lost

Throughout my adult life I've never known what I wanted to do. I've had jobs I've enjoyed and been good at but they've never been my true passion, I've never really known what my true passion was.

Then I held my 7lb 3oz baby in my arms.  Life suddenly made a lot more sense. Caring for this little person was something I enjoyed and was good at. So I had another.  I was good at it the second time round too.

Now my younger baby is 4, in September she starts school and I am heartbroken, the only job I've ever excelled at is being stolen from me by a primary school. I know I'll still be mummy but my precious daytime hours, spent at parks, making things, learning about wildlife and general exploring will be replaced with housework (as I'll have no excuse not to do it now) and dog walking.

Things are about to change and I'm scared. Scared I'll miss it terribly, scared it might affect my mental health, scared I'll miss it so much I think another baby might be a good idea!

I need a job, a passion, a goal. Right now I'm lost. It's a very scary position to be in and despite me telling myself it's exciting and the world's my oyster I'm not really buying it.

Lost
Directionless and motionless I sit and I wait
A fear has taken over me, what will be my fate?
I don't know which way to turn, there's so much I could do
Instead a panic fills my heart that I cannot push through
An overwhelming panic that cripples me with fear
And in my head, a million thoughts are all that I can hear
Zipping, zooming round my head, my mind will not sit still
I'll only get through it if I can find the will
To calm myself and listen to these thoughts just one by one
And breathe so very deeply, while my mind slows from a run
To a pace that I can manage much more easily
To find myself in all this noise and see who I can be