School Holiday Thoughts

• Although I'm pretty sure I'm speaking English the kids are hearing Greek and they don't understand a bloody word
• The dictionary my kids have is a different version to mine. In theirs “tidy up” means vacate current room and begin destruction of next room until no room remains untouched
• Bedtime is now a general suggestion rather than a timetabled event
• My kids play lovely together. Or want to murder each other. There is no middle ground.
• Keeping them out of the house is the only way to keep it tidy. 
• Being out of the house is just as stressful as being in the house but in completely different ways.
• My children would go 6 weeks without bathing if I let them.
• The same goes for hair brushing.
• The phrases “I'm bored” and “Muuuuuuuuum” could be used on repeat to torture prisoners of war. 
• Kids talk bollocks. Constantly. Their favourite topic of conversation is poo.
• Youtubers with annoying American accents who make kids gaming videos should be strung up by the balls and set upon by rabid squirrels. 
• The same applies to those who make videos of kids playing with barbie dolls.
• Kids will watch any old shite on Youtube. If you try turning it off they look at you as if you have killed their cat.
• I do not have a cat. I'm beginning to think a cat would have been easier than kids.
• As yet, however, unlike a cat the kids have not presented me with a dead bird. There's still 4 weeks of the holidays left so I'm not yet counting my chickens.
• The 3 most painful toys to stand on, in ascending order, are: Sylvanian family furniture, barbie shoe, lego brick.
• All 3 of those things will be found round your house days after they've been played with and put away. 
• “Get dressed” means different things to my kids. To the eldest it means “sit in your pjs until I shout WE NEED TO LEAVE!” To the youngest it means either ‘gather a random inexplicable selection of clothes and adorn them on yourself’ or ‘sit round naked until I wrestle you into some clothes which you then cry are “too big, too itchy or too red”’
• It is possible to invent a song for every scenario. And my children do.
• If you give my kids identical things they will always want the one the other one has.
• On a school day my children will want to sleep until 9. During the holidays they will be up at 7.30 at the latest every morning. 
• Teachers deal with 30 of these things every week day. They deserve a medal. Or 12.
• My kids are equally happy going on an expensive day out or visiting the local park. They don't care what we do as long as we're having fun together.
• My kids make me laugh on a daily basis. They're smart, funny, cheeky and kind.
• My kids are awesome and I will miss them like crazy when they're at school in September.