Will Drink Tea For Cash

My youngest is now nearing the end of her first school year. By now I had expected to have both thoroughly cleaned and sorted my house and got a job. I have achieved neither.


Not from lack of trying (at least with the tidying of the house) it's just every time I try the kids come home and destroy my hard work. Although to be fair I need to be more ruthless and actually chuck out some of the vast quantities of toys the children have amassed. However I'm forever being reminded that plastic kills dolphins so by that logic by not tidying my house I'm actually saving marine life. Go me!
Getting a job has also proved challenging. An eight year career break poses problems. Firstly I have a pathological hatred of filling in forms, cv days were much easier, the forms are never straightforward copy and paste affairs and they end up taking longer than any interview is likely to last. Secondly, and most importantly, I am crap at interviews, I clam up and talk absolute gibberish. I wouldn't hire me off the strength of an interview and I know I'd be a bloody hard worker.
To be fair my stats aren't bad - I've been invited to interview for all the jobs I've applied for. I say all, there were two. Whichever way you look at it statistically that's still 100% though so I'm pleased with that regardless . The most recent feedback I got was that I apparently showed promise but didn't get it due to having no recent experience. I mainly applied just to see if I could get an interview as it was something I want to do but wasn't sure my qualifications and experiences would even get me an interview. So the next step is to temp and volunteer in the sector I think I want to be in the reapply.
Therein lies the problem - I've spent so long at home I've actually no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I know what I'm qualified to work but is that really what I want to do? Now is the perfect opportunity to follow my dreams. The main issue is when I try to think about what I really want to do my brainstorming sessions tend to look something like this...
Jobs I would be good at:
  1. List compiler - will compile lists for money. May not be factually accurate.
  2. Bed tester - this can involve sleep or sexy time. Hopefully not sleeping during sexy time (though this would be a surefire sign of a comfy bed)
  3. Seat tester - as bed tester with little to no sexy time
  4. Puppy cuddler - no explanation needed
  5. TV watcher - is there a boxset you haven't got round to? I will watch it and summarise for a set fee. 
e.g. Game of Thrones - blonde bird goes MENTAL
Lost - everybody's dead Dave
Mrs Brown's Boys - *internalised screaming*
  1. Bollocks writer - this involves writing bollocks, not writing on bollocks. Though for a fee I'm willing to have a go. No bollocks too big. None too small. Unless it's writing on bollocks then it depends how big the word is that you want me to etch onto your scrotum.
  2. Tea drinker - where I am paid to drink tea. For no reason. Maybe there's someone out there with a weird kink? I'm your girl. Blouse remains on at all times.
  3. Worrier - you pass all your worries to me. I worry about them on your behalf, you just enjoy your day.
  4. Sarcastic commenter - no explanation needed unless you are a moron. To be fair, you look like one (was that sarcastic or just mean? You decide).
  5. Innuendo supplier - need an innuendo? A nice big, hard innuendo? One that really slides deep in to a conversation well? Contact Louise's Innuendo Services - she'll give you one to get your lips round.
Not the most helpful of lists I'm sure you'll agree… back to the drawing board...

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